So. I did it again. I totally got overwhelmed with everything in my life and completely forgot about this blog. A lot has happened and I have grown up a lot in the past year or so. I've been through a lot in the past few months especially and I got very close to falling over the cliff into something I'm not sure how to deal with. Now that I've made a complete turn around and I feel completely back to myself, I want to share some things with the world. I came scarily close to depression and the reason I managed to stay above water was because of so much support I received. Which leads me to the reason for this post; if I can talk about my experience and help maybe one person, then that makes me feel amazing. If I can very slightly support one person, then everything is worthwhile.
Let me first put out there that I'm not depressed, I never have been and I hope (touch wood) that I never will be.
What's my story you ask? Well, it's a very long one. I am a very lucky person. I have everything I need and most of what I want. I live in a safe and loving home and I get to go to school every day. I have never, ever pitied myself because I know I am one of the very few people who are happy. I had been Vice-College Captain at my school for about 4 or 5 months which makes me so happy, it is a position I love to fill. There was talks of me receiving scholarships to big universities and being the first in my classes. Everything was absolutely perfect; I remember actually saying to myself that there was nothing else that could have made it better, everything was working out the way it should.
Then, our school suffered the loss of not only an amazing teacher, but an amazing friend, guidance councillor and person in general. The woman that passed away was a complete inspiration to me, she was everything I wanted to be and I hope that one day I can even be half the person she was. She was my favourite teacher and someone I considered like a mother. She guided me and genuinely cared. Her passing was a shock to us all, she was young and healthy, so you can imagine the reaction of us all.
I'll cut this down as short as I can, but I didn't let myself grieve when I needed to. I unconsciously pushed it all back and focused on everyone else. Combined with health concerns for a family member, recovering from a break-up and being stressed out by school, it had a big impact on me. However, I did everything in my power to make everyone else feel better. With my position in the school I was required to help plan and present a memorial, so I buried myself into that. Soon after that finished, I had to finish assignments, then complete the QCS test (google it) and then finish some of my final exams. What I didn't realise was that I still needed to grieve but I kept it pushed down. I felt sad all the time and felt nothing like myself but I didn't understand why. I didn't say anything to anyone because I thought I was just being silly and looking for attention.
Now this is the first thing I want to share. I realise now that it wasn't attention seeking and I really did need some help because I didn't know what to do. Don't ever feel like you are being silly. You aren't. Even if it's something tiny, don't bottle it up, that will make it worse. Someone is there for you, I promise.
When the sad feelings kept persisting after about 6 weeks, I decided to talk to my best friend about it. I had a long phone call with her, and whilst she couldn't tell me why I was upset, she assured me that she was always here for me. That made me feel a little better because it didn't feel so much like I was by myself.
Apparently, the supportive teachers at my school had noticed my change in behaviour though and were concerned. My drama teacher decided to speak to me after all my exams were finished. She was concerned because my grades were dropping and knew that wasn't like me. It all hit me at once and I suddenly realised why I was always upset. Long story short, I had to speak to a lot of teachers, cry a lot, see guidance officers and psychologists. It took a long time to feel better because I spent so long pushing it back. I've gotten a lot of special consideration for my marks because I wasn't in a good mental state which is very lucky, but if I had just dealt with my feelings sooner everything could have been avoided.
Don't bottle it up. If you know you aren't fine, say something. Acknowledge your feelings. Someone said to me "Be gentle with yourself. You aren't stone, you are tissue that sometimes gets ripped or wet and needs to be repaired." Don't be afraid to ask for help. You aren't alone, that is one thing I have learnt through all this. I also learnt that I'm not as strong as I think I am. I am breakable and I need to accept that.
I hope you, whoever is reading this, have taken something from my long and probably boring story. Whether it's that now you know someone else has been through what you are, or that what you are feeling isn't so silly or that maybe you do need to talk to someone. Even me! I can tell you writing this all down has been very therapeutic, so maybe you could do that and send it to me.
Just remember to breathe.
G x
Let me first put out there that I'm not depressed, I never have been and I hope (touch wood) that I never will be.
What's my story you ask? Well, it's a very long one. I am a very lucky person. I have everything I need and most of what I want. I live in a safe and loving home and I get to go to school every day. I have never, ever pitied myself because I know I am one of the very few people who are happy. I had been Vice-College Captain at my school for about 4 or 5 months which makes me so happy, it is a position I love to fill. There was talks of me receiving scholarships to big universities and being the first in my classes. Everything was absolutely perfect; I remember actually saying to myself that there was nothing else that could have made it better, everything was working out the way it should.
Then, our school suffered the loss of not only an amazing teacher, but an amazing friend, guidance councillor and person in general. The woman that passed away was a complete inspiration to me, she was everything I wanted to be and I hope that one day I can even be half the person she was. She was my favourite teacher and someone I considered like a mother. She guided me and genuinely cared. Her passing was a shock to us all, she was young and healthy, so you can imagine the reaction of us all.
I'll cut this down as short as I can, but I didn't let myself grieve when I needed to. I unconsciously pushed it all back and focused on everyone else. Combined with health concerns for a family member, recovering from a break-up and being stressed out by school, it had a big impact on me. However, I did everything in my power to make everyone else feel better. With my position in the school I was required to help plan and present a memorial, so I buried myself into that. Soon after that finished, I had to finish assignments, then complete the QCS test (google it) and then finish some of my final exams. What I didn't realise was that I still needed to grieve but I kept it pushed down. I felt sad all the time and felt nothing like myself but I didn't understand why. I didn't say anything to anyone because I thought I was just being silly and looking for attention.
Now this is the first thing I want to share. I realise now that it wasn't attention seeking and I really did need some help because I didn't know what to do. Don't ever feel like you are being silly. You aren't. Even if it's something tiny, don't bottle it up, that will make it worse. Someone is there for you, I promise.
When the sad feelings kept persisting after about 6 weeks, I decided to talk to my best friend about it. I had a long phone call with her, and whilst she couldn't tell me why I was upset, she assured me that she was always here for me. That made me feel a little better because it didn't feel so much like I was by myself.
Apparently, the supportive teachers at my school had noticed my change in behaviour though and were concerned. My drama teacher decided to speak to me after all my exams were finished. She was concerned because my grades were dropping and knew that wasn't like me. It all hit me at once and I suddenly realised why I was always upset. Long story short, I had to speak to a lot of teachers, cry a lot, see guidance officers and psychologists. It took a long time to feel better because I spent so long pushing it back. I've gotten a lot of special consideration for my marks because I wasn't in a good mental state which is very lucky, but if I had just dealt with my feelings sooner everything could have been avoided.
Don't bottle it up. If you know you aren't fine, say something. Acknowledge your feelings. Someone said to me "Be gentle with yourself. You aren't stone, you are tissue that sometimes gets ripped or wet and needs to be repaired." Don't be afraid to ask for help. You aren't alone, that is one thing I have learnt through all this. I also learnt that I'm not as strong as I think I am. I am breakable and I need to accept that.
I hope you, whoever is reading this, have taken something from my long and probably boring story. Whether it's that now you know someone else has been through what you are, or that what you are feeling isn't so silly or that maybe you do need to talk to someone. Even me! I can tell you writing this all down has been very therapeutic, so maybe you could do that and send it to me.
Just remember to breathe.
G x
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